Outdoorsineering: The outdoorsman’s art of being in the outdoors.
The Outdoors are out there. The adventure, the trees, the wasps, and the dirt, waiting for you. This guide was culled from the experience of generations of Outdoorsineers, those with the stalwart hearts to get up, get out, and get off… on the Outdoors!
Follow this guide. It will turn even the palest victim of modern laziness into a rough-and-ready, bearded naturalist adventurer. Even the women will have a beard, as it is with gnomes.
It is ironic that this guide must be posted on the Internet but, if this guide were carved on the side of a rock, then only rock climbers and eagles would see it. We do not need to preach to the converted. However, if you are reading this while wearing pajamas and it is after nine in the morning, pay close attention.
Jackson West broke the world record as the youngest child to scale all eight of the world’s tallest mountains before the age of ten. He did not report this feat to any news agencies or record books because of his desire for privacy and disapproval of celebrity culture. He has never held a job or paid taxes, but has served his country by leaving a number of beautifully-painted landscapes on the doorsteps of lodges at several of America’s national parks. You may have seen his landscapes if you have visited these parks. They tend to depict sunsets and buffalo.
Dr. Buck “Sawzall” Larson An unlicensed logging camp surgeon, Buck was born to a family of Swedish fur trappers in Wisconsin. Traded to friendly Indians, he was reared as one of the tribe, learning the secrets of the wild and the Pai Gow table. He went on to wilderness medical college where he passed with High Honors, the name of his pet falcon and surgical assistant. He splits time between his wilderness medicine practice and his wilderness medicine performance and is covered under most HMOs and PPOs.
This web site is dedicated to the outdoorsineers – the great men and women (largely men) who have ventured forth from their humble lives, stepped out their front doors and started walking down a path to adventure.
This web site is more specifically dedicated to the unnamed outdoorsineers – the ones who didn’t write a bunch of poetry that made them celebrities, or start a money-laundering society about birds. They sought neither fame nor fortune in the wilds, and were content to know that only the foothills of the great mountains and the branches of the lesser trees knew their names.
I would like to name them now.
Arthur Arnold Anderson
Wilberforth Reginald Blackstone
Dario S. Hoomphf
“Ugly” Mike Gunderson
Seymour Percival Johnson
Seymour Percival Johnson, Jr.
Seymour Percival Johnson, III
Seymour “The Impotent” Percival Johnson, IV
Lou aka Big Lou aka Big Louie Lou
The Amazing Mario
Jesus Simon Olivar Santa Maria Jiminez Martinez
Seamus Erin O’Leary McCallaghan
Baxter McKinno, “The Duke Of Pain”
Elaine McNamara, a whore
Oswalt Patterson (unrelated)
Ragnock the Conqueror
Robert Louis Xylophone